Confessions of a 30 Day Shred Drop-Out

Bitter? I'm not bitter

2010-04-13T18:31:00.005-05:00

Still here. The weather has just been so amazing that we've been spending all of our free time outdoors so I've been on the computer far less. We live far enough south that in a month or 2 it will be too hot to be outside all day so we enjoy spring around these parts.

Still keeping on keeping on with the attempts at fitness. As my 2 commenters noted in my previous post, scales are evil. I've always believed that and avoided them as a result. But that wasn't working so I thought maybe the scale would help me feel accountable. Instead it depressed me. So I haven't been on it since. My Wii Fit claims I've lost 1.5 lbs from the first time I weighed in on it 12 days ago but it is on carpet and I don't trust that it is entirely accurate. At least it is moving in the right direction.

While I'm not seeing major changes, my husband has already dropped 2 pant sizes. I'm torn between being proud of him, happy for him, and wanting to stab him in the forehead with a fork every time he trots out a new item of clothing that didn't fit 6 weeks ago. I really am happy for his results but it does make me scream in my head "Where are my results?!?"

The gym continues to be the same - I don't usually hate it, I don't love it. I've been trying to spend a little time with weights and my upper body on days I'm not at the gym because I've noticed my arms and shoulders are a lot weaker than they used to be. I play around with the Wii Fit but it doesn't feel like real exercise because everything is short little vignettes. And I've been walking/playing with the kids outside. So I feel like I've been pretty active.

Food - good days and bad. I'm not good at total restriction so I will admit that I have had a Reese's peanut butter egg here and there over the past couple weeks. I've had to make myself eat a bigger breakfast and be more deliberate in eating lunch at a reasonable hour. I was eating 200 calories for breakfast at 8am and then the day would get away from me. At 2:30 pm I would be ravenous and eat too much while telling myself it was okay because I had barely eaten anything all day.

Lunch today: greek chicken (a little olive oil and some spices then broiled) and tzatkiki sauce (fat free greek yogurt, cucumber, green onion, garlic, lemon, dill). I often do this as a wrap with lettuce but I am out of wraps at the moment and my lettuce is looking rather wilty.

Breakfast today: coffee w/skim milk, 1/2 a banana, turkey smoked sausage, whole wheat toast w/peanut butter.

ShredFail Present!

2010-04-01T14:14:00.004-05:00

Little unintended hiatus. Sorry about that. I guess my little blog here is so dull that I bored myself. Actually, spring has sprung and I've been busy living life.

I'm still plugging along. I was traveling last weekend and ate out for 3 days straight (not to mention a little alcohol indulgence) w/o any exercise other than walking so I skipped weigh in on Monday. I didn't want to be discouraged. That said, my husband came home with a Wii Fit Plus yesterday so it weighed me. It called me young-ish and fat. (Wii Fit age 32 which is 5 years less than my actual age - I'll take it!) It also indicted that I've gained 2 lbs since my last weigh in which may or may not be entirely accurate since our board is on carpet but regardless...that means since I started eating better and exercising, I've actually gained 5 lbs total. WTF?!? And don't give me the whole muscle weighs more thing - I haven't gained that much muscle in 3 weeks. So...sit on the couch and not pay much attention to what I shove in my piehole = maintain weight. Get my behind out of bed before dawn several days a week to go to the gym, try to take walks w/kids on non-gym days, now adding in Wii Fit on non-gym days, watch food intake (including so many salads I may have a green tint to my skin) = gain 5 lbs in 3 weeks. Nice.

And the other thing that burns my biscuits? My husband has LOST 15 LBS in that same time period. Good for him but EFF me!

That aside, I'm going to keep at it. Science must prevail. Eating less and moving more has to eventually result in the scale going in the right direction. Right?

Breakfast this morning was a toaster waffle w/sliced strawberries on top. Lunch = a big salad (I measure everything including the dressing to be sure of calories). Dinner will be a greek chicken pita thingy I'm making up. The "pitas" are actually flat wraps (90 calories for a really big wrap) and the tzatiki sauce will be made w/low fat greek yogurt, cucumber, lemon juice, garlic and fresh herbs. The marinade for the chicken does have some olive oil in it but otherwise a pretty healthy dinner.

Half Way Through Wednesday

2010-03-24T13:36:00.003-05:00

Exercise: Today was my gym day. I did 20 minutes on the bike, the weight machines, and 13 minutes on the True Stride elliptical thingy.

Breakfast this morning was Kashi Warm Cinnamon Heart to Heart cereal. I think this looks even more like cat food than the Honey Toasted flavor. I wasn't a big fan of the taste either. And half a banana.

Lunch so far (it has been a busy day) has been a handful of peanuts and a couple of wheat thins with hummus. I'll find some protein - maybe some turkey - and a pear.

Dinner tonight is undecided. Last night, I made chicken verde. My husband loves this dish. It used to be enchiladas but I started just baking the filling and he can crush some tortilla chips on it and I can have it plain. I'll share the recipe but you can really do whatever you want with it.

Chicken Verde
2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded
1 can black beans
1 small bag frozen corn (canned works too)
1 can diced chiles (1 can diced jalapenos too if you like heat)
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 TBL cumin
Dash cayenne
Dash ground chipotle pepper
1 jar salsa verde (easy to make if you have access to fresh tomatillos)
Handful of fresh cilantro if you have it
1 cup shredded cheese of choice (I used 2% mexican blend)

Throw it all together and bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Can serve with chips and sour cream if desired.

Tuesday news

2010-03-23T09:10:00.005-05:00

Today is not my gym day (hubby and I trade off) but the weather is looking decent so hopefully I'll get out for a walk with the kids at least.

Breakfast looked like this:

This was the first time I tried the yoplait greek yogurt and I couldn't finish it. I like yogurt but I wasn't a fan of this stuff. It felt gritty in my mouth. I choked down about half of it.
Lunch will likely be a salad. Dinner isn't decided yet but will probably be a chicken verde (used to be enchiladas but I've stopped wrapping the mixture in tortillas and just bake it) concoction that we like. Last night dinner looked like this:

That is tilapia (drizzled w/a little olive oil then a spicy rub and broiled), baby peas, and a Green Giant Steamfresh mix of red potatoes and green beans - it was pretty good for a quick microwave thing. We eat on salad plates almost every night - and only a little bit because it controls portions a bit. We started doing it when we bought this set of dishes because the dinner plates are enormous. We had no idea how big they really were until we brought them home - our cupboard doors don't quite close and they don't fit in the dishwasher. So I use them as serving dishes and we eat off the of the salad plates which are a generous size. I have some dinner plates from another set that aren't as gigantic that we use if we need a larger plate for some reason (corn on the cob, etc).

Well that sucked

2010-03-22T09:06:00.004-05:00

Here we are at Monday again. It just keeps coming around, doesn't it?

I went to the gym this morning. I did 20 minutes on the bike, the weight machines (I increased all the weights by 5-10 lbs), and 12 minutes on the elliptical thingy (the ones I like were taken so I had to use one of the others which claimed I burned fewer calories but I was sweating harder so I'm not sure I believe it).

This was breakfast. The Kashi Heart to Heart Honey Toasted Cereal looks suspiciously like cat food. It tastes a little better than I imagine cat food must taste. I will finish the box but I'm not sure I will buy it again. At only 120 calories for the 3/4 cup serving I guess I can't complain. Also some turkey because I am trying to have protein with eat meal. Breakfast (w/milk on cereal) came in just over 200 calories.

Lunch will likely be a salad. Dinner is too far off to think about quite yet.

The weekend was a wash out exercise wise. I didn't make it to the gym. I did take a walk with my kiddos on Saturday. Sunday I did a little gardening.

Monday. I said Monday would be weigh-in day - Mondays already suck anyway, right? Well, today's weigh in was ugly - +3. I don't know how - I'm eating less and moving more than I was just 2 weeks ago. But while it is discouraging, it reminds me why I don't own a scale. I can't let a number derail my efforts. I know I am retaining some water (being a girl sucks sometimes) and I also know that if I stick with this, I will be healthier. So, onward.

Irony

2010-03-19T08:23:00.003-05:00

At the same time I am working to lose weight, I am working to plump up my youngest child. The doctor is concerned that she isn't gaining weight as quickly as she should (currently in the 2nd percentile for her age group). We've been through some testing and haven't found anything so we have resorted to packing as many calories into her foods as we can.

All of my life, food and calories have been bad things. Even before my weight was truly an issue, my weight obsessed family made it one. Baby fat was just plain old fat. Now I am working hard to get more fat on my youngest and it is weird because it goes against everything I've been taught is right. I make pudding with full fat milk AND add powdered milk to boost the calories. I make her blueberry muffins (from a mix - I don't bake) that call for 3 eggs and 1/3 cup of oil for 10 muffins - the calories in the muffins are obscene. Then I make myself a salad and try not to lick the spoon. It is just funny in that laughter bordering on hysteria kind of way.

Her doctor said "If she is eating bread, it should have butter on it." And "Gravy is good." So I spend much of my day singing Alanis Morrissette in my head "Isn't it ironic?"

Insert witty title here

2010-03-18T10:10:00.002-05:00

No food photos today. I had a sick child yesterday so I was more focused on avoiding vomit splatter than taking photos of my food. Also due to that I didn't make it to the gym yesterday but I did go up and down the steps 337 times to change sheets and PJs and other laundry and vomit related activities so that should count for something.

Food
Yesterday, I'm not sure what I ate for breakfast. Lunch was chicken salad and left over steamed broccoli. Dinner was a taco-ish salad (taco meat, black olives, green onions, lots of lettuce, a little shredded cheese, and a little light catalina dressing), 1/4 cup of black beans, and 1/4 cup of Spanish rice.

This morning's breakfast was 2 eggs, 2 pieces of wheat bread, and 2 cups of coffee w/1 cup of skim milk. I've been having 1 egg and 1 piece of bread but I was really hungry this morning. Lunch will most likely be a salad as pictured/described in previous days. Dinner is most likely going to be Shrimp Gyoza (Trader Joe's) and steamed broccoli.

Exercise
Hit the gym this morning (traded days with my husband since I couldn't go yesterday). Did my normal 20 minutes on the bike, most of the weight machines, and 12 minutes on the True Stride elliptical thingy.

*******************
I have refused to buy clothing for me at this size. I have been wearing clothes formerly boxed up and labeled "Fat Clothes". The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I was afraid to get rid of my clothes because I hoped to be pregnant at some point. I didn't want to have to buy fat clothes if I needed them briefly after pregnancy. My baby is going to be 2 this summer so "briefly" wasn't so brief. I never dreamed I would balloon up and stay here after pregnancy. But here I am. So I dug out those boxes and have been wearing those clothes. They don't all fit well because pregnancy changed my body. And most were professional clothes and I'm a stay at home mom. So I've been wearing just a few things for the past 18 months. I didn't want to buy anything new because that felt like admitting I was going to stay fat. (My closet is full of my skinny clothes for the same reason.) I've bought some work out clothes but that was about it. Until yesterday. I finally had to admit that I needed a couple of shirts because having children has ruined my old shirts (stains and stretched out from the constantly tugging on me). I hated doing it and only allowed myself 2 shirts from the clearance rack and 1 shirt that was on sale. I spent less than $20. I will admit to feeling a little better with a couple of decent tops but I still hate investing in anything this size.

The Blog Post About Nothing

2010-03-16T13:15:00.004-05:00

Oh look. It's Tuesday. And I have nothing exciting to share - just photos of my food and tales of how today isn't my gym morning (Husband gets T,H,F mornings). I have an appointment this evening so no evening gym time for me today. I can't take the kids for a walk because - surprise, surprise - it is raining again. And I just don't want to go walk on the treadmill so today might get a big fat zero in the exercise department. In other news, the Wii my husband brought home the other day doesn't work so the Wii Fit issue is moot for the moment. Not sure if Best Buy will let us return it or if we have to send it to the Wii folks.

Food:

Yesterday's lunch was a salad as predicted. Lettuce, raw broccoli, feta, sunflower seeds, halved red grapes and 1.5 T of dressing.

Dinner was fish and shrimp and peas.

Breakfast today was a little wild and crazy. My oldest asked for pancakes - meaning Trader Joe's Pumpkin Pancakes.

I can't resist them so I had 2 (inexplicably football shaped) pancakes (that is a salad plate so while they weren't small, they aren't as gigantic as they look) dusted w/powdered sugar instead of syrup and a couple of strawberries for breakfast this morning. No protein and certainly not a low calorie breakfast. But it wasn't outrageous and it tasted yummy. Unfortunately, the lack of protein and meaningful calories meant that by lunch I was ready to chew off my own arm. Lunch was the same chicken salad as yesterday's breakfast and a slice of cheddar cheese. Dinner is unclear at this point. I probably ought to go dig something out of the freezer to throw on the grill tonight.

Monday. We meet again.

2010-03-15T09:12:00.004-05:00

Karen gave me an award just because I came back to my blog. Makes me feel all warm and tingly and welcome in this corner of the blogosphere. I have another blog. One that I don't abandon for 9 months at a time. One where I talk about everything but my weight and fitness struggles. One where I've been writing for 4 years now. I feel quite at home in that corner of the blogosphere but it is weird/hard/awkward to hang out in a new corner. Kind of like being the new kid at school and not knowing what table to sit down at in the cafeteria.

Weekend recap

Food wise I didn't do my Fit Day log either day because we were busy and I was lazy. I didn't eat fabulously but I did watch my portions. Sunday I had coffee in the morning but didn't eat anything until 3:30pm. I don't know why. But I managed to graze a little rather than inhale 2 meals worth of food because I was so hungry.

Saturday I went to the gym. I did 25 minutes on the bike w/ the arm poles. I did all of the weight machines except a couple of leg ones because my quads are still sore. Then I finished with 12 minutes on the True Stride (kind of like an elliptical w/o the incline and with arm poles). Amazing that 12 minutes on it burned more calories and claimed almost the same distance as 25 minutes on the bike.

Sunday I didn't do much of anything exercise wise.

Today

Food: Breakfast looked like this. It is a little more than a cup of chicken salad (made with shredded, poached chicken breast, a little light mayo, green onion, a little juice from the dill pickle jar, and a mix of dried cranberries, cherries, blueberries, and golden raisins) and coffee with 1/2 cup of skim milk (and probably a second cup just like the first to follow). Assuming the second cup of coffee, I'm at about 365 calories for breakfast.

Lunch will likely look like the salad posted last week. I bought a big bin of baby spring mix at Sam's Club this weekend so lots of salads in my future.

Exercise: Today was one of my gym mornings (husband and I are trading off mornings before he goes to work). I don't have as much time during the week because I have to get back home so my husband can get going to work but I managed 20 minutes on the bike w/ the arm poles. I did a circuit of the weight machines except a few of the leg ones again - still babying my quads. I finished with 12 minutes on the True Stride.

Weigh in: I think I will make Mondays a weigh in day. I've always been adamantly anti-scales. I don't own one. I know when things are going well and not going well by how my pants fit. But obviously that isn't working for me because my fat pants are pretty darn snug. So I'm going to try this weigh in thing and see if it helps motivate me. If I get too caught up in the numbers, I will change to bi-weekly or monthly but I'll start out with weekly and see how it goes. We'll call today the first one since I just started back at this trying to get in shape thing last week and my last known weight was in December when I was at the doctor. This morning, I weighed in at the gym: 225.

Finally, a question. Does anyone have/use the Wii Fit? Thoughts? Is it worth the money? My husband just bought a Wii and we've been trying to decide if we want to invest in the Wii Fit for the mornings that are our off days for the gym.

Let's not talk about it

2010-03-12T23:02:00.002-06:00

My quad muscles are really bothering me so I skipped the gym this afternoon. I'm torn between thinking I am making excuses and knowing that I legitimately don't want to make it worse so that I have to take a week off of the gym. We'll call it a toss up.

Friday nights are usually take out/order in night in our house. I thought we might skip it tonight since we ordered in last night but my husband wanted to go out. We ended up at an Italian place and let's just say it wasn't pretty. I got veal parmesan it was yummy. And we got cheesecake. Lots of bad food decisions but we had a fun evening out as a family. My only saving grace was that I was only at about 600 calories when we left the house for dinner. Calories still ended up much higher than I would like for the day but the damage could have been worse if I hadn't been eating well up until then today.

It is all good. In the past, I might have used tonight as an excuse to just throw the whole weekend (or week or month) out the window food wise. I mean, I already messed it up so why bother? But I'm not feeling that way tonight. I am feeling fine. I will go to the gym tomorrow. I will stop at the store to stock up on salad fixings and keep plodding along. This is life. I like food. I'm not going to stop enjoying food...I just need to stop abusing it.

Look! The next day not 9 months later.

2010-03-12T09:14:00.009-06:00

I did my best to be accurate about last night's take out dinner and then night out with girl friends. But honestly, I have no idea how much rum I drank. I had 2 short rum and diet coke with a lime wedge. So that is a total guess. And the chips? They were on the table and I munched but have no idea exactly how many I ate. I didn't eat the whole basket...but it was more than a couple. And the ribs for dinner weren't spareribs - they were babybacks but I couldn't find that in the Fit Day menu. I tried to compensate by adding 2 more ribs because I ate 5 but the calories didn't seem high enough. So this is how yesterday looked - or my best estimation of it.

And as I mentioned before, I am always fascinated to see how other's eat. I will continue to share pictures as I snap them. Breakfast today (and yesterday but no banana yesterday - coffee instead). Just an egg in a nest or hobo sandwich - whatever you call it. I use cooking spray instead of any butter or oil so it is just 1 egg and 1 piece of bread. (It is the only way I can fry an egg without breaking the yolk.)

And yesterday's lunch. A yummy salad and 1.5 Tablespoons of dressing. (I make my own dressing and it is rather potent so I don't need a lot of dressing.)

Today is another rainy day so I won't get outside to walk with the kids. I will either get on my treadmill during their nap again today or I will go to the gym when my husband gets home from work. Just depends on how the day works itself out. I will update food and activity later.

Can we add Schmuck to my name? Or I'M BACK!

2010-03-11T13:14:00.003-06:00

Let's see...when we last left off in JULY. Ack! And I haven't even looked at this blog so I didn't realize some of you came back to cheer me on. I suck. Thank you for checking in on me.

I did fall off the band wagon. For a variety of reasons or excuses depending how you wish to see it. I didn't make it 30 days with the shred. I started alternating it with a strength video and then some medical things came up that prevented me from doing anything that strenuous for awhile. Then I got lazy. Then medical crap again. Then the holidays. Then I got lazy. And I find myself almost 9 months later trying to get back to it.

First? I quit the shred. I hate it. I might pull it out now and then if I can't do anything else because it is quick. But I just hate it too much to make myself do it regularly. BUT I will say that I started doing the strength video of my husband's that I mentioned in my last post (ahem...9 months ago) and it seems ridiculously easy. Then I quit doing anything for a little while and tried to do the strength video again and WHOA it wasn't so easy any more. So I may hate Jillian but I was getting results even if I didn't see them.

New plan. I'm not making any promises. I'm treating this like AA - One Day At A Time. (No, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a former addiction counselor. Addicted to food - irony?) So I hope to post here regularly again but I can't promise I won't disappear. Let's just hope it is for days rather than most of a year.

We've joined a gym. My husband and I are alternating mornings before the girls are up and before he goes to work. I used to go to the gym almost daily when I was single and before kids. I do enjoy it more than a video or treadmill at home. Well maybe enjoy isn't the right word. I'm cheap and I don't want to waste my money. Plus once I'm there, I feel all of the eyes judging me if I quit too soon. So frugality and peer pressure for the win. Whatever works.

On the days I don't go to the gym, I'm going to try and do SOMETHING at home. Today it was the treadmill because it is raining outside. That something might just be a stroll with the kids - but I need to get my ass off the couch.

Yesterday (3/10/10) was my first day at the gym. I did 12 minutes on the cross trainer thing (like an elliptical). I hate that thing - always have. It kicks my butt (or my quads to be more precise). Then I did all of the weight machines minus the quad one because they were already burning and I have a tendency to rip them and then not be able to do anything for a week - including get off the toilet without whimpering. And finished with 15 minutes on the bike that also has arm poles. I was there for just over an hour.

Today
FBS: 243

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 piece of wheat bread (no butter), 2 cups of coffee with about 1 cup of skim milk total (I like it light and my mug is huge).

Exercise: 31 minutes on the treadmill here at home. I burned 195 calories and walked 1.4 miles.

Lunch: big salad with turkey, feta, and a small amount of sunflower seeds, pepitas, and dried cranberries and dried cherries. 2 T dressing

Snack: will be Smart Pop Kettle Corn

Dinner will be unhealthy BBQ pork take out. And margaritas. It is girls night. I'm not giving up the good stuff just hoping to watch my portions.

Final confession: at my last doctor appointment I was 226 pounds (I am 5'8 not 6'5 so that is an ugly number). Short(ish) term is to get under 200. We'll go from there.

Permanent Shred Fail?

2009-07-21T09:19:00.004-05:00

I am over 20 days in and still hate the 30 Day Shred. A lot. Enough that I am starting to lose motivation. I am making excuses to not do it. I dread it. I curse my way through it. I feel like a failure after each work out because there is always something that I have to modify or can't keep up with. I feel rubbery and tired after doing it.

I want to feel bad ass after I do my work out. I want to feel empowered and strong not just thankful it is over.

I tried my husband's new DVD: SWAT Workout Ultimate Body Definition. I loved it. It is strength training with hand weights (I have 3 lb but think I need to pick up 5 lb) and an intense little 10 minute cardio piece toward the end. I feel good after I do it. I feel good while I do it. It is longer than the shred - 45 minutes if you do the whole thing - but it flies by. My basic issue is that I need to find a way to get cardio in as well. I don't have time to do a 45 minute DVD and then hop on my treadmill. I'm thinking about alternating this DVD with my treadmill and maybe some days of shredding thrown in. I just can't face doing the 30 Day Shred every single day any more. Maybe after I get a little stronger and fitter I will return to it and do it in 30 days straight as intended. But right now I think I'm going to mix it up. I'm afraid of completely losing my motivation and returning to my old lazy ways.
As for food, I've had good days and bad since my last check in. My husband started a Biggest Loser competition at work yesterday with a monetary prize so he is motivated. I think his motivation will keep me from picking up too much crap at the store and from going back for seconds at dinner - I can't eat more than my husband without feeling like a heifer.

Here is my breakfast today: 1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese, 1 cup cantaloupe, 1/4 cup blueberries, and 2 slices grilled pork loin. I find breakfast the most challenging meal to stay away from processed carbs - I want cereal, bagels, and toast. So I try to make it more of a lunch type meal with lots of protein. I will readily admit this is easier now that I am a stay at home mom. It was much harder when I was working and tended to just grab something that I could eat in the car.

************
That is where my head is at now. I am struggling with whether my decision to back off of the 30 Day Shred is a failure or a smart choice. Maybe I should stick with it since it is so challenging. Maybe this is just an excuse to slack off and do something easier. Time will tell.

Catch Up

2009-07-17T09:09:00.004-05:00

Yikes...sorry for disappearing! Let me quickly catch up.

Tuesday: Shredded Level 2 (Day 21) but ate a lot of crap.

Wednesday: Ate okay all day but had a burger and fries for diner. I didn't exercise. I got busy and didn't make it a priority. I had a headache and used that as my excuse.

Thursday: Didn't exercise and didn't eat very well (not horrible but not great). My husband, as I feared, was exercising during the time I had carved out to do it in the morning so I didn't get a chance before getting the kids up. I didn't manage to get them both napping at the same time so I didn't get a chance during naptime. I did run around all day so at least I was active and not sitting on my couch.

Friday: Back on track I hope. I Shredded this morning. Because of my 2 day break, I did Level 1 this morning. I will return to Level 2 tomorrow.

I had this big and quite yummy breakfast this morning for 204 calories. I haven't had cottage cheese since I was pregnant and forgot how much I like it when I find a decent low fat variety. We've been getting the best cantaloupes at the farmers market - I'll be really sad when they aren't in season any more. And Healthy Ones chicken breast was on sale at the deli this week - 4 thin slices for only 50 calories. I have left over grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli for lunch so I shouldn't struggle with a healthy lunch.

Day 20

2009-07-13T19:33:00.004-05:00

Day 20 Level 2 (Day 5 of Level 2)

Again, no new insights. And I haven't suddenly developed the ability to do the walk out push ups without dropping the f-bomb. I still can't do the last set of plank jacks - my shoulders are done at that point so I do another cardio element (usually high knees).

Today it was cool enough that I was able to take my kids for a walk. (We live in the south and outdoor exercise isn't something that is possible very often in July.) We walked 1.5 miles while pushing 45 lbs of stroller with 45 lbs of kids so what I lost in speed I made up for in resistance. It was nice to get outside.

Food

I don't think anyone is enthralled by my food log and I'm feeling too lazy to cut and paste it and post it so I'll just report that I was really snacky yesterday afternoon and ended the day at just shy of 1700 calories.

Today I've been lacking in the vegetable department. This was my breakfast (I'm strangely fascinated by photos of people's food so in case anyone else is I'm posting this).

My husband has jumped on the weight loss band wagon with me - he says I inspired him. I'm happy he wants to get healthy but I fear that he might get a little too gung ho and turn me off of it. I really need to just focus on what I am doing and what works for me rather than getting caught up in what he is doing.

Sunday (Original title, huh?)

2009-07-12T18:23:00.003-05:00

Sundays have become my day of rest so no Shredding for me. I enjoy the day with my family.

I don't have a food log for you either. Yesterday started like the past 4 days on my food log but we went to a picnic for dinner. I had a burger patty with no bun, a little bit of baked beans, and a little bit of hash brown casserole. All quite reasonable. Then came dessert. I had a serving of 2 different desserts - both quite sugary and yummy. I don't feel badly about. I want to learn to live my life in a more balanced way. That means including meals that don't easily get estimated on my food logs. Today, back on track. After our weekly trek to the farmer's market, I made a BIG salad for lunch. If I could learn to live without the 1/4 cup of feta and salad dressing it would be very low cal. But salad without feta and dressing just isn't worth eating! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend.

Day 19

2009-07-11T19:56:00.003-05:00

Day 19 Level 2 (Day 4 on Level 2)

Eh - I don't have anything new to add. Sucks, shoulders hurt, yada, yada, yada.

Food

As you can tell if you look at my food logs, I tend to eat the same things. I get on kicks and stick with them until I get sick of it or until that food is gone. So breakfast and lunch looks similar from day to day. Dinner varies so that my family doesn't mutiny. Last night was pizza at my husband's request. Since that require any cooking for me, I didn't object. I had 2 pieces and 1/2 the crust from my daughter's piece. I was surprised by how full I felt - I'vce only been really modifying my food intake for less than a week. But I was quite satisfied. I actually didn't end up eating the truffle bar but I was making something to take to a cook out today and I liked the pudding spoon a couple of times (I didn't put it back in don't worry) so I figure it probably evened out to the truffle bar.

Roots part deux

I was thinking more about the roots post I did the other day. I think the thing that I find the most remarkable is how much it all skewed my sense of self. My memory is of being a fat kid. People who loved me told me I was fat so I must have been, right? But I see photos of myself and I wasn't fat. I wasn't even particularly chubby. I was a little soft and rounded but aren't 8 and 9 year olds supposed to have some baby fat? I see a normal kid as I search for evidence of the fat kid that lives in my memory. I don't start seeing something more than normal until I hit puberty - around 13 or 14 I probably carried 5-10 lbs more than I needed. It wasn't until I was 17 that I can start to see something worth my family's comment. By then, in my mind, I had been fat for a decade and I gave up.

I was fat through college. Pizza! Beer! And access to all of the foods that had been denied me for years. About 2 years after college, I got tired of being fat and joined a gym. I worked out regularly and hard. I went to the gym for 2 hrs at least 4 times a week. I lost some weight but still didn't look as good as I should have for the exercise I was getting. Unfortunately this was the early/mid 90's and fat free was king. I was eating rice, bread, pretzels, and pasta to my hearts content because it was Fat! Free! It was practically health food as long as I didn't use butter. I ate almost no protein because animals contained fat. I ate carbs almost exclusively thinking I was eating healthy. I went back to fat for awhile and then got finally got healthy and hit a weight I was happy with. Then pregnancy and a year after giving birth here I am.

Day 18

2009-07-10T15:11:00.003-05:00

Day 18 Level 2 (Day 3 of Level 2)
Still hate Level 2 - all of the plank position stuff is killer. And those walk out push ups? I don't know that a heroin addict could do it for a fix. (I kid. I can do a couple but in the time I do 3, they've done 10.) My shoulders are very achy and I'm sure they will continue to be so. I don't even attempt those last ab things. My form is so bad that it isn't even worth the pain so I do the double crunches. And the last set of scissor jacks I had to do high knees instead. My arms just couldn't do another plank position anything. And all of my jump rope is single. The part where she says she wants us to feel like we are going to die? CHECK.

Food
I'm not really happy with all of my food choices yesterday. Fitday.com's free service is down at the moment so no chart for you today but I was at 1750 calories. But as a commenter pointed out, my calories weren't necessarily the best quality and I ended the day with some chips that I didn't really need but my husband was eating so I had so too. That was almost 200 calories that I didn't need and didn't want badly enough to justify.

Edited to add food journal now that Fitday is back up.

Roots

2009-07-10T08:51:00.003-05:00

I dreamed of my grandma last night. She died 10 years ago but my dreaming of her isn't really a surprise considering all the thought I've been giving food and exercise lately. I believe my grandmother is the root of the issue I have with both. She passed her obsession to my mother who became anorexic who passed it on to me and I obviously rebelled and went the other direction. My grandmother was hyper aware of appearance and health. She took many vitamins, watched what she and everyone else ate, and exercised regularly. She nagged my perpetually thin and healthy grandfather about every small treat he ate. She baked cookies with applesauce instead of oil before it was in vogue. If he wanted a small chocolate shake from McDonald's it was a huge deal. She meant well with her nagging but she drove everyone crazy.

For as long as I can remember my family nagged me about my weight and what I ate. Perhaps it doesn't go back to ages 5, 6, and 7 but in my memory it does. My grandmother started with the "You have such a pretty face - if only..." crap when I was very young (always while sweeping my bangs off my face because no matter their length they were always hiding my pretty eyes). I don't know if my mom thought about my weight before my grandmother started the comments but my mom took it and ran with it. We had no treats in the house. The worst foods were saltines and peanut butter. She refused to buy or bake anything fattening. I got in trouble when I came home and had a snack other than an apple. As I got older, I started sneaking food and hiding it. I would buy something at the little market up the street (at least I got exercise hiking to it) and take it home to eat. I would buy a bag of chips or a quart of ice cream or candy bars then feel like I had to eat it all so I could throw it away and get rid of the evidence. Sometimes my mom would find my stash. She would pile it on my bed and yell at me about being "a dirty little sneak". I would feel such shame and promise her not to do it anymore while promising myself to get better hiding places. My furtive behavior made her even more restrictive. She threatened to lock up the cabinets when I ate saltines or made pasta. Her restrictive behavior reinforced my sneaky behavior. It was a vicious cycle.

She tried to take me to child psychologists to "fix" me but it never lasted long. The psychologists either treated me like a moron and I could see exactly where they were going with everything or they just handed me a diet and told me to follow it. Neither was helpful but then I didn't even attempt to speak honestly with them because I was ashamed and because I was sure they would tell my mother everything I said. I was a kid who felt powerless - much like the anorexic who exerts her only control through food I did the same thing just on the opposite end of the spectrum.

I don't share this to paint my mother or grandmother as bad women. They were/are both amazing in their own ways. My mother was divorced and struggling to raise me alone while working and going to school at night and trying to date and maintain a middle class lifestyle. Nor do I want to blame them for where I find myself currently. I am a grown up now and I take full responsibility for the choices I make. I share it for 2 reasons. First, I've never told anyone any of this before. It is a source of great shame for me. And second, because I've been examining why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. One of the things that made me recommit to getting healthy right now is that I found myself thinking about snacking out of my husband's sight which reminded me of the sneaky behavior with food from my childhood. It is a cycle I want to break because it is ridiculous.

Day 17

2009-07-09T09:02:00.004-05:00

Level 2 Day 17

I hate Level 2. By the beginning of the 3rd circuit my shoulders are like wet noodles and then she wants me to do that chair squat w/ the V shoulder raises. Blargh! Level 2 is really hard on my lower back and shoulders. And I feel discouraged because I struggle to even do the modified versions of so many of the things like the plank jacks (woman is on crack) and the plank jump thingies (crazy). I've debated going back to Level 1 but I am trying to remind myself that the only way to go forward is to struggle.

Food

My food journal results yesterday look fabulous on paper but I question the accuracy. It looks really short because I didn't have a salad for lunch with a bunch of ingredients to add. I can't believe I was under 1500 calories - especially with that big old steak I had for dinner. But even if it is off by a couple of hundred calories, I am okay with the day overall. I made some really good salsa and wanted to eat it for lunch. I really wanted it so I had it. Instead of mindlessly eating chips and salsa, I counted out 2 servings (it was going to be the bulk of my lunch) and put them on a plate. I made sure every one of those chips was whole - if I was counting I wasn't going to get cheated out of a corner. I had some turkey slices too to throw in some protein.

I know myself well enough to know that when I start being rigid or too restrictive in what I eat, I end up losing control and bingeing. So when a craving for chips and salsa hits, I am going to go with it because I am looking to live healthier not diet. And I like food so chips and salsa, ice cream, chocolate, and other things are going to have to be part of my life. I'm just looking for moderation and better choices.

Other thoughts

I haven't talked about this blog with my husband. I haven't told him about my renewed commitment to be fitter and healthier. I haven't told him that I'm keeping a food journal. I don't know why I haven't articulated it but apparently he can see it. He can see I'm changing my eating habits some and that I'm shredding before he leaves for work. He said last night that I've inspired him. He is going to buy himself a strength training DVD and do it before work. I'm torn about this. 1) Glad that he sees what I am doing and feeling inspired. B) Selfishly I thought if he is going to do that before work is it going to interfer with that little window of time I've carved out for myself to exercise in the morning?

Day 16

2009-07-08T08:37:00.004-05:00

Pssst...Help me! I think Jillian Michaels is trying to kill me. I tried Level 2 today and I can't get off the floor.

Level 2 Day 16

Holy Eff! I decided to try Level 2 today because I thought perhaps I was being a wimp by sticking with Level 1. In some ways it was a little bit easier for me but I think that was the novelty of it and the fact that I had to stop and watch what they were doing instead of jumping right in. Two hours later and already the muscles in my lower back and my shoulders are killing me. I will say it was nice to change things up - part of my contempt for level 1 is likely familiarity. BUT that plank position she likes so much in Level 2 sucks! I am fat so I should get extra credit just for getting myself into that position and holding myself up - no one should then ask me to contort myself too. That last ab thing? Ain't gonna happen for awhile.

Food

I think my food yesterday was better. My percentages were closer to where I think they should be. I was at 37% fat, 38% Carbs, 25% Protein for the day and supposedly just under 1800 calories. (I question the accuracy of the microwave popcorn but the label is confusing even for someone with lots o' schooling. It says a bag has 2 servings and I ate most of the bag. It says popped a serving is 15 calories...but that just seems out of whack with the unpopped calories which don't disappear.)

I know it may be confusing for others that I talk about my exercise the same day I do it but my food the next day but with how I am doing things now it makes the most sense for me to keep track that way.

Day 15

2009-07-07T12:36:00.003-05:00

Level 1 Day 15

I dragged myself out of bed early this morning and got my shredding done before I got the kids up. I wish I could figure out why some days I just barely make it through. Yesterday, I felt pretty good about my performance. Today, I struggled.

Food

I started tracking my food yesterday on FitDay.com. It is a pretty nifty free tool. Assuming I input everything correctly (I had trouble estimating how much of each dressing component I used because I make a cup at a time), I ended the day at 1976 calories.

I was surprised to see the proportions of fat vs carbs vs protein for the day. If you asked me ahead of time, I would have guessed my carbs would have been out of control. But it was my fat intake that was way too high (of course the little bit of Italian Sausage I ate might have had something to do with that). I was at 48% of calories from fat, 26% from protein, and 26% from carbs. From a little bit of research I've done, I think my target is 25% from protein, 40% from carbs, and 35% from fat. I need to work on making sure my carbs come from fruits, veggies, and grains more than from processed crap too. I'm not looking to diet - I am looking to eat a little better but within the parameters of what I can do for life. I want to watch my portions and snacking but allow myself to continue to eat. I get cranky and rebellious when I try to restrict myself too much. I like food. I like to cook. I like to eat.

Day 14 & some self-disclosure

2009-07-06T12:22:00.002-05:00

Day 14 Level 1

Yes, I am still hanging out at Level 1. I just don't feel like I've made enough progress to move up to Level 2. I had hoped to do it tomorrow but I think I'm going to hold off a few more days. Honestly, I'm afraid if I try it and fail I will get discouraged and sabatoge myself. I'm a perfectionist but it is all or nothing - if I can't do it perfectly then I might as well not do it at all. (Healthy, huh?) Anyway, today I felt decent about my workout. I was able to hang the whole time. I did 3 real push ups! I don't think I've ever done a real push up before. I did the bicycle crunches the whole way through. I managed to do all of the shoulder raises (I usually have to skip a few). I'm still doing things modified but sort of right in between Natalie and Anita. I'm not at Natalie's level but I'm doing more than Anita.

Now for the self disclosure. I'm trying to keep this blog somewhat anonymous and separate from my "real" on line life. I'm doing this for 2 reasons. #1 because I am ashamed of where I am with my weight. #2 so that I can be honest - I'm not worried about my real life peeps being disapproving. That said, I haven't been talkin much so I guess I need to if I am going to be worry about the ability to be honest.

When I got pregnant, I was at 170lbs. That was the lowest number I had seen on the scale in at least a decade. And I was comfortable at the at number. I felt good about myself. I wasn't particularly self conscious. I loved that I could shop for clothes in any store that I wanted and find things that fit. I didn't have to sneak back to the plus sized section. I didn't feel like people were making comments if I ate an ice cream cone in public. I still could have lost another 20 lbs but I was happy enough.

Then I got pregnant. I won't go into the associated drama with that but I was on bed rest for much of my pregnancy. Because of that and a couple of other reasons, I ballooned up while I was pregnant. I wasn't able to move but was being told to eat more. I stopped looking at the scale at the end of my pregnancy - but toward the end I was 241. I had the baby, lost some of the weight and the water I had been retaining, was breastfeeding and things were okay. Then I quit breastfeeding. I was tired all of the time. I was eating whatever I wanted (tired of eating healthy while pregnant and nursing) and not exercising often because I was tired. I would Shred for a couple of days and then decide to take a day off because I was so damned tired. My day off would turn into 3 weeks. I realized I was fast approaching my pregnancy weight. I got on the scale and saw 230 and was so frustrated that I ignored it because it felt out of my control. I would start the Shred again with the best of intentions and then we would go out to eat on the weekend and I would skip working out and then stop entirely again (see the perfectionist thing above).

So when I started this blog 2 weeks ago, I decided I was going to get serious about it - but not fanatical. I'm trying to keep my perfectionist tendency from rearing its ugly head so that I can cut myself enough slack to succeed. Starting today I am tracking my food - not just eyeballing it but putting it into a program so I can really see what I am putting into my mouth every day. I need to walk the line between being so casual that it doesn't work and so rigid that I get all perfectionist about it. Friday I weighed myself and was 222. I rarely weigh myself and prefer to judge things based on how my clothes feel but that obviously isn't working for me right now. I am in my really fat clothes from many years ago and hate them all. I'm working to get back into my pre-pregnancy stuff. It isn't all vanity - I also want to be healthy for my kids.

Day of Rest

2009-07-05T20:09:00.001-05:00

Sundays appear to be my downfall. I didn't Shred today and while the day isn't over, I intend to watch a movie and then go to bed so it ain't gonna happen.

No freedom from shredding

2009-07-04T17:04:00.002-05:00

Level 1 Day 12

I thought I was finally getting it...I felt like my endurance was better. I thought I might make my goal of Level 2 by day 15. And then I hit the middle of the 2nd circuit and I ran out of steam and hubris. I managed to get through everything today. I might have laid on the floor for a couple of extra seconds before getting up to start the second set of side lunge/shoulder raises.

I weighed myself. I don't really believe in scales and the one we have is an imprecise analog one that my husband owned before me met. But according to it I've lost a few pounds so I'll take it. Nothing to get excited about yet because my fat pants are still fitting just fine.

Day 11

2009-07-03T14:37:00.003-05:00

Level 1 Day 11

I did manage to do the bicycle crunches the whole minute...not sure how my form was but I made it through. I'm still not convinced that I am making a lot of progress on the endurance side of things but I'm sticking with it. I'm not ready for level 2. But my goal is to try level 2 on day 15. The worst that happens is I can't do it and I drop back down.

Day 11 complete! Off to enjoy my family.

Days 8, 9, and 10

2009-07-03T10:30:00.004-05:00

Hey! Someone found me and I got a comment! HI! Sorry...didn't think anyone had come across me here so I wasn't updating daily like I wanted to.

(Tuesday June 30) Level 1 Day 8
I didn't manage to get up and do it before I got the kids up. I slept in a little and it felt good. But I did do it during naptime. I struggled a lot during it this day but did manage to get through it. Barely.

(July 1) Level 1 Day 9
This morning, I go up earlier and decided that the kids would be fine in their rooms for another 30 minutes (only the youngest was awake). I did the video before I was even awake enough to complain. I still don't love it but it felt better than it has the past few days. Well it at least felt less horrible. I made through and even managed some bicycle crunches - about 2/3 of that ab circuit I did the bicycle and then switched to basic.

(Thursday July 2) Level 1 Day 10
I think this is supposed to be the last day of Level 1. If you divide the 3o days into 3 sections to do each of the levels then tomorrow I should move on to Level 2. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I am no where near ready to move on to a harder level. Some days I can barely get through Level 1 doing the modified version. I might be the first person who does the 30 day shred in 90 days because I don't see me moving onto the next level for quite awhile. But I did it again this morning before the kids got up. I felt kind of bad leaving them in their rooms but I really feel like I need to do this for me. They are safe and can entertain themselves for a half hour. Right? I got through it today - again did the bicycle crunches for about 2/3 of that last set then switched to basic. I still struggle with the arms during strength - I sometimes have to rest and continue lunges and then re-add my arms. I haven't seen a lot of progress as far as increased stamina but I am hoping it will come. I remind myself that 10 days isn't really that long (and I skipped a day).

Days 5, 6, and 7

2009-06-29T14:18:00.002-05:00

Saturday Day 5 Level 1. Skimped on final set of abs but otherwise okay.

Sunday Day 6 Level 1. Didn't do it. Choose to hang with my family instead.

Monday Day 7 Level 1.

Thoughts: I almost made myself go back to Day 1 since I managed yet again to not do it for consecutive days. Then I decided to give myself a break and call this Day 7. But I hated Day 7. I found myself really out of breath and really struggling. I actually quit halfway through the last cardio circuit which I have never done in all of my times of doing this video. I really didn't want to do it and was feeling angry about it. (I never claimed to be rational.) I think part of my problem is that I can't do it when I want - I have a very small window of time when my kids are in bed that I can do it and I often don't want to spend that little window of time exercising. So I think tomorrow I might let the kids hang in their bedrooms for an extra 30 minutes and do it first thing in the morning. Maybe getting it done early will help.

Day 4

2009-06-26T15:33:00.002-05:00

Exercise: Day 4, Level 1
Thoughts: I wasn't really feeling it today but I did it anyway. I didn't really give it my all but I figure it was better than nothing. Tomorrow will be the test...I've rarely made myself exercise on the weekend. I blame it on time but I really just want to laze around and rest.

Food:
Breakfast: grilled chicken
Lunch: ravioli

Day 3

2009-06-25T22:20:00.002-05:00

It is rather freeing to not have any readers here. No one cares if I don't get around to doing this post until late in the day.

Exercise: Day 3, Level 1

Thoughts: Same as yesterday. I couldn't do the second set of jumpropes in circuit 1 so I substituted butt kicks. I've also noticed my balance isn't very good when doing the static lunges/bicep curls. I hope that improves with time.

Food:
Snack yesterday: carrots and dip
Dinner yesterday: pepperoni pizza
Breakfast: ham, green beans, potatoes
Snack: chicken, cream cheese, tortilla chips
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat
Snack: out for ice cream cone with family
Dinner: grilled chicken, rice, corn

Thoughts: Obviously, I'm not going to win any nutritional prizes for the past 24 hours. But no excuses. It is what it is. I'm not here to justify. I'm just here to report the truth.

Day 2

2009-06-24T13:02:00.003-05:00

Exercise: Day 2, Shred Level 1

Thoughts: I don't love this DVD but it fits into the time I squeeze into the day for myself and has produced good results for others. I find Ciruit 1 the hardest of level 1. I've never been able to do a push up. I hate jumping jacks and the jump rope kills my quads. The squat and press kills my arms - sometimes I have to cut out early with the arms and just keep up the squats. Circuit 2 is the easiest for me. In Circuit 3, side lunge and arm raises also kill my arms. And I can't do the bicycle crunches so I do basic and then reverse crunches instead.

Food
Breakfast: green beans, ham, red potatoes
Snack: chicken & cream cheese w/tortilla chips
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast (made w/low fat mayo)
I'll finish the rest of today's food in tomorrow's entry. I will likely be posting around the same time every day so that will work best for me.

Thoughts: I've made the choice to not do a diet. I'm trying to make some healthier choices and keep my portions reasonable. Some might said this is because I'm not committed. I choose to believe it is because I am trying to live a healthier life rather than go on a diet. We'll see how it plays out.

I took a before photo but I'm not posting it until I have some progress to show.

Day 1, Take 37

2009-06-24T12:37:00.000-05:00

Let's back date this to yesterday - June 23, 2009.

I'm starting the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels for the umpteenth time. I've never gotten more than 6 days in a row before taking a day off. And once I take a day off, I justify another because I've already broken the 30 day chain. Then those 2 days turn into a week - and you get the idea.

I bought the DVD in January. I found myself many months post partum, no longer breast feeding, and suddenly weighing what I did at 9 months pregnant. Now, 6 months further down the road, I weigh even more than I did in January. Something has to change. I need to document this somewhere so I can feel accountable. I am doing this somewhat anonymously - although I know nothing is truly anonymous on line these days - because I am ashamed. I am ashamed of how I look. I am ashamed that I avoid looking in the mirror. I am ashamed of how my clothes fit. I am ashamed at my lack of motivation and lack of self-control. Something has to change.

Yesterday, Tuesday June 23rd, I started the 30 Day Shred. Again. I'm going to treat myself like an alcoholic: One Day at A Time.

Exercise: Shredded Level 1, Day 1

Food:
Breakfast - green beans, red potatoes, ham
Snack - celery, carrots, ranch dip
Lunch - chicken salad sandwich (made w/light mayo on whole wheat bread)
Snack - celery, carrots, ranch dip (made w/reduced fat sour cream)
Dinner - broiled fish, smashed potatoes, green beans, garlic toast
Snack - handful of peanut M&Ms

Overall, happy I exercised. Food choices weren't bad but weren't great. I shouldn't have had garlic toast or M&Ms.