Monday, July 6, 2009

Day 14 & some self-disclosure

Day 14 Level 1

Yes, I am still hanging out at Level 1. I just don't feel like I've made enough progress to move up to Level 2. I had hoped to do it tomorrow but I think I'm going to hold off a few more days. Honestly, I'm afraid if I try it and fail I will get discouraged and sabatoge myself. I'm a perfectionist but it is all or nothing - if I can't do it perfectly then I might as well not do it at all. (Healthy, huh?) Anyway, today I felt decent about my workout. I was able to hang the whole time. I did 3 real push ups! I don't think I've ever done a real push up before. I did the bicycle crunches the whole way through. I managed to do all of the shoulder raises (I usually have to skip a few). I'm still doing things modified but sort of right in between Natalie and Anita. I'm not at Natalie's level but I'm doing more than Anita.

Now for the self disclosure. I'm trying to keep this blog somewhat anonymous and separate from my "real" on line life. I'm doing this for 2 reasons. #1 because I am ashamed of where I am with my weight. #2 so that I can be honest - I'm not worried about my real life peeps being disapproving. That said, I haven't been talkin much so I guess I need to if I am going to be worry about the ability to be honest.

When I got pregnant, I was at 170lbs. That was the lowest number I had seen on the scale in at least a decade. And I was comfortable at the at number. I felt good about myself. I wasn't particularly self conscious. I loved that I could shop for clothes in any store that I wanted and find things that fit. I didn't have to sneak back to the plus sized section. I didn't feel like people were making comments if I ate an ice cream cone in public. I still could have lost another 20 lbs but I was happy enough.

Then I got pregnant. I won't go into the associated drama with that but I was on bed rest for much of my pregnancy. Because of that and a couple of other reasons, I ballooned up while I was pregnant. I wasn't able to move but was being told to eat more. I stopped looking at the scale at the end of my pregnancy - but toward the end I was 241. I had the baby, lost some of the weight and the water I had been retaining, was breastfeeding and things were okay. Then I quit breastfeeding. I was tired all of the time. I was eating whatever I wanted (tired of eating healthy while pregnant and nursing) and not exercising often because I was tired. I would Shred for a couple of days and then decide to take a day off because I was so damned tired. My day off would turn into 3 weeks. I realized I was fast approaching my pregnancy weight. I got on the scale and saw 230 and was so frustrated that I ignored it because it felt out of my control. I would start the Shred again with the best of intentions and then we would go out to eat on the weekend and I would skip working out and then stop entirely again (see the perfectionist thing above).

So when I started this blog 2 weeks ago, I decided I was going to get serious about it - but not fanatical. I'm trying to keep my perfectionist tendency from rearing its ugly head so that I can cut myself enough slack to succeed. Starting today I am tracking my food - not just eyeballing it but putting it into a program so I can really see what I am putting into my mouth every day. I need to walk the line between being so casual that it doesn't work and so rigid that I get all perfectionist about it. Friday I weighed myself and was 222. I rarely weigh myself and prefer to judge things based on how my clothes feel but that obviously isn't working for me right now. I am in my really fat clothes from many years ago and hate them all. I'm working to get back into my pre-pregnancy stuff. It isn't all vanity - I also want to be healthy for my kids.


  1. You are doing a GREAT job! You are 14 days into the Shred...That is an accomplishment all in itself! Keep it up! :)

    I moved up to Level 2 yesterday...I thought I was going to die. I felt sloppy doing the workout and after the 20 minutes of Hell was over, I laid on my exercise mat and cried, LoL. Definitely moving back to Level 1! At first, I told myself that I am failing because I am still going to continue with Level 1, but I'm not. We both need to look at the big pictures...WE ARE DOING IT! We might be progressing slower than others, but we are doing it! :D

    I am proud of you for sticking with it and I am proud for posting about being overweight. It's not an easy thing to do. When I first posted my weight and pictures, I cried and deleted my post about 10 times. Then I finally sucked it up and left my weight and pics on there. It will be worth it in the end to look back and see your progress.

    I'll stop rambling now, LoL. Keep up the good work and remember...You are AWESOME!

  2. Thanks for the encouragement. I actually took a photo of myself "before" in my sports bra and shorts so I could post and compare as time went on but Photobucket deleted it as pornographic! LOL Cracked me up.

  3. hello. im also on this 30 day shred kick. i started it yesterday and today was day 2 for me. i have a blog too that ive started as of july 5th to track my weight loss and also give me a place to document my progress. its private (i dont want the world to know) and if u want, u can email me ur email and ill send you an invite. i thikn it helps to know we're not alone out there!
    keep it up-i know its hard and ive been down this road before and well, im gonna make it happen this time.
    my email is